Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What's the Alaska Theory?

[Editors note: This post comes directly from our CEO, Sir Humphrey Twaddle V, and is presented in it's unedited form.]
People have been asking me if I really have a theory regarding the American state of Alaska (not one of the original British colonies, of course, and dreadfully close to the Russkis) as the perpetrator of the current spill in the gulf.

Damned right I have a theory, and a good one at that!

However, as curious as the world is about my theories, I would like to first submit a personal aside that is extremely important to... ME. It's about me, getting my life back.

This past weekend, which started on Wednesday as they all do, my yacht Oil for the Queen successfully challenged a score of other boats for the annual RRGRB regatta, [ed: Really Rich Guys Racing Boats] finishing nearly five full minutes ahead of the second place team.

The regatta was held just off George Town Grand Cayman, and I must admit it was very nice to be in water that didn't have all of that brown gook floating on top of it. And our engineers ensure me that the spill won't reach the Caymans for another seven or eight months. Barring hurricanes, of course.

The post-race banquet, well lubricated by fine English ales and Scots whiskeys, proved to be a very creative opportunity for me to develop these few very credible theories regarding the real culprits behind this spill.

The Alaskans have three basic economies, oil, natural gas, and fishing. What better motives for triggering an oil spill that has also devastated the gulf coast fishing industry. Can't get shrimp? Try Alaskan crab.

The Alaskans can all see Russia, formerly the dreaded enemy Soviet Union, from the front porches of their homes. And we all know Russia's thirst for oil from their interference in all of those Somethingstan and Whatnia states.

The Alaskans have the fabled Esquimaux. This indigenous people are rumored to have uncanny relationships with nature and unnatural relationships with the myriad creatures that populate the lands and seas. It is not inconceivable that trained seals and walrae could had fiddled with the blow-out preventer on our well.

The Alaskans are a relatively uncivilised bunch who eat much self-killed rare meat, unlike our well-cooked pudding-wrapped English beef. Surrounded by mountains and horrific wild animals, they live completely in the dark for almost half the year. Who knows what people like this might do to remove threats to their local economies.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Can We Have Our Lives Back?

We at BwG have been apologizing for this damned spill thing long enough. We're not going to do anymore, we're getting back to our lives. We've been in discussions with the people in Washington D.C. and after we've shown them some of our recently acquired evidence, they are in firm agreement with us. For those of you across the pond, you'll be receiving notification forthwith that your government supports our points-of-view, and believe that they are not in the wrong either.

It's time for all Americans to get off their behinds and stop blaming us.

We have valid information that one or more of the scenarios is true regarding the recent spot of bother in the gulf. (More details on each of these scenarios will be forthcoming.)

  1. It is the Alaskans. Protecting their own oil and seafood businesses. Although Alaska is not normally considered part of Flyover Country, let's get real. Would anybody really want to land there?
  2. It is the Chinese.
  3. It is the Oklahomans (or is that Oklahomen?) and Texans. We think it is because we're making more money than they are and that our rigs are prettier.
  4. New Englanders taking advantage of Gulf fishing losses.
  5. It's one of many more scenarios we will think up over the next few days.
Remember the current administration in Washington hails from Flyover Country.

Can you really trust them to tell you the truth?

BwG - You know you can trust us...