What's the Alaska Theory?

[Editors note: This post comes directly from our CEO, Sir Humphrey Twaddle V, and is presented in it's unedited form.]
People have been asking me if I really have a theory regarding the American state of Alaska (not one of the original British colonies, of course, and dreadfully close to the Russkis) as the perpetrator of the current spill in the gulf.

Damned right I have a theory, and a good one at that!

However, as curious as the world is about my theories, I would like to first submit a personal aside that is extremely important to... ME. It's about me, getting my life back.

This past weekend, which started on Wednesday as they all do, my yacht Oil for the Queen successfully challenged a score of other boats for the annual RRGRB regatta, [ed: Really Rich Guys Racing Boats] finishing nearly five full minutes ahead of the second place team.

The regatta was held just off George Town Grand Cayman, and I must admit it was very nice to be in water that didn't have all of that brown gook floating on top of it. And our engineers ensure me that the spill won't reach the Caymans for another seven or eight months. Barring hurricanes, of course.

The post-race banquet, well lubricated by fine English ales and Scots whiskeys, proved to be a very creative opportunity for me to develop these few very credible theories regarding the real culprits behind this spill.

The Alaskans have three basic economies, oil, natural gas, and fishing. What better motives for triggering an oil spill that has also devastated the gulf coast fishing industry. Can't get shrimp? Try Alaskan crab.

The Alaskans can all see Russia, formerly the dreaded enemy Soviet Union, from the front porches of their homes. And we all know Russia's thirst for oil from their interference in all of those Somethingstan and Whatnia states.

The Alaskans have the fabled Esquimaux. This indigenous people are rumored to have uncanny relationships with nature and unnatural relationships with the myriad creatures that populate the lands and seas. It is not inconceivable that trained seals and walrae could had fiddled with the blow-out preventer on our well.

The Alaskans are a relatively uncivilised bunch who eat much self-killed rare meat, unlike our well-cooked pudding-wrapped English beef. Surrounded by mountains and horrific wild animals, they live completely in the dark for almost half the year. Who knows what people like this might do to remove threats to their local economies.